Mr. Thanksgiving Advice Man is back, but not by popular demand.
He’s back by urgent necessity, so your Thanksgiving celebrations aren’t ruined by shrieks of pain when your guests — who’ll no doubt insist on talking politics — begin stabbing each other in the forehead with forks.
Forks in the forehead don’t really say “Thanksgiving,” do they? And when you yank them out, the spurting blood could result in over-salted gravy.
Some guests insist on bringing their own four-legged “children,” that lick their own behinds and then your hand. Others demand great glops of Jell-O, or worse: huge jiggling dollops of that canned cranberry crap.
And others think it’s OK to bring their own Tupperware and nothing else — not even a delicious tray of blinded roast French ortolans — before using their own Tupperware to haul away the leftovers.
These are perplexing questions. But Mr. Thanksgiving Advice Man is a river to his people.
Mr. Thanksgiving Advice Man: Wild Turkey or domesticated? Rich Walzel.
Domesticated turkey belongs in the oven. Wild Turkey belongs in your guests. Or ouzo, good scotch, gin, vodka, beer and wine. And plenty of it. Keep refilling their drinks until they get blotto. That way, when they talk politics and stab each other in the forehead with forks, they won’t feel as much pain.
Hands off the Jell-O, John Kass. I’m so done with all the Jell-O haters. I love that side dish. My mom and grandma made it. Susan Beacham.
Like Hercule Poirot, the brilliant detective, Mr. Thanksgiving Advice Man is of the age when he knows what he likes and won’t abide what he does not like. The mere thought of Jell-O with horrid floating chunks of fruit causes me to wretch involuntarily. I hate Jell-O in all its forms. I will hate it forever. Oh, I hate it so.
We have a year-old German shepherd puppy. She can’t go? Jodi Ann.
Dogs can cause terrible problems during the holidays. A few years ago, Betty and I made a huge bowl of home-made eggnog — with real eggs, real whipped cream, a bottle of cognac, another of rum, nutmeg, etc. To keep it cold, I covered it, and put it on the table on the deck outside. Zeus the Wonder Dog drank half of it and got totally plotzed. Chaos ensued. Zeus is a bad drunk.
Mr. Thanksgiving Advice Man — are we supposed to call it "stuffing," or "dressing" or "filling?" And what's the best way to handle that meddling relative who always wants to tell you how to properly prepare the stuffing, dressing or any other part of the dinner? Barb Patterson.
“Dressing” or “stuffing” who cares? But don’t call it “filling.” A turkey is not a berry pie. And about your meddling mother-in-law? Just lock her in the basement and ignore her piteous cries.
Dear Mr. Thanksgiving Advice Man, what kind of wine should I serve with my Thanksgiving Hungry Man Turkey frozen dinner? Bill Thorson.
Hamm’s, the beer refreshing.
Mr. Thanksgiving Advice Man: Jell-O with fruit in it is awesome. I will fight anyone who says differently! Matthew Tarpy.
Fight? How amusing. The idea of touching a Jell-O eater makes my skin crawl. Instead, shall we say sabers at dawn, in the Tribune parking lot? Consult your priest.
What are your thoughts on capons for Thanksgiving? Steve Sarich.
Mr. Thanksgiving Advice Man read with great interest the article in the Wall Street Journal which noted that castrated roosters — capons — are fat and delicious and the fowl of choice in “Game of Thrones.”
“Breeders remove the testicles of a weeks-old male chicken using small surgical tools,” the paper reported.
Small surgical tools. Kind of ruined my appetite right there.
Mr. Thanksgiving Advice Man, would you agree that it would be in bad taste for one to not contribute to the feast, yet bring their own Tupperware and pillage the leftovers year after year?? Brian Kuhn.
The old “producers vs. eaters” argument is as old as the American colonies. Anyone bringing their own Tupperware should be ridiculed, then hauled out to the barn by the hair for a good thrashing by the stable hands. Yet, on second thought, they’re your guests, Brian. You can’t very well have your servants beat your guests. Can you, Brian?
Do you have a favorite brand of carving knives? Nina Koziol.
I favor the sharp ones. A dull blade might slip and hack your finger off. With a sharp blade, the cut will be much cleaner.
Mr. Thanksgiving Advice Man: Do you stuff your brined turkey before cooking it? I know people say you shouldn’t. But I’ve tried stuffing outside of the turkey and there is just no comparing it to the stuffing from inside the bird! I’ve lived this long with stuffed turkeys, and I figure if I croak eating one now, it was a life well-lived! Lynn Kirchoff.
No, Madam. NO! I could give two figs if you laugh at death, but what of your guests? What if they suffer great intestinal distress and you run out of air freshener and you only have two washrooms? What if they all die and you’re the only one left alive, eating your stuffing alone while watching a “Rick and Morty” marathon? What’s so fun about that?
Dear Thanksgiving Advice Man, when is the best time to ask my wife to make me a turkey sammich during the late pro football game, before or after she’s done with the dishes? LOL Steve Metsch.
Steve, Mr. Thanksgiving Advice Man says that you’re on own. Good luck.
Happy Thanksgiving everybody.
Listen to "The Chicago Way" podcast with John Kass and Jeff Carlin — at http://www.chicagotribuneem.com/category/wgn-plus/thechicagoway.